After-School Alchemy

Further West

2008-06-25T14:47:00.005-05:00

Otto sat in his car, the streetlight red, swinging from a wire suspended over an intersection, its very presence suggesting its impermanence. Otto gazed out onto the landscape below, two lines of cars crept toward the setting sun, their polished shells shone an oblivious white. How contrived the whole thing seemed; the fountains in front of grocery stores; the cylindrical perfection of the corporate headquarters to the largest cheese producer in the country; and above it all rose a golf course draped over a landfill.
The light turned green. Otto did not move. He didn’t see the need, the cars ahead of him were still jutting into the intersection. The radio blared an ad for a revolutionary spot remover, he checked the mirror to see how the driver (person would be too personal) behind him was dealing with Otto’s inaction. The driver appeared calm, a practiced smile streaked across her face, she too checked her mirror, at what it is uncertain. Kids? Vanity? Drivers? Otto returned his gaze out the front window, the light turned yellow and he waited.

West On Willow

2008-06-25T11:37:00.002-05:00

We were in an exurb out west where everything was massive. The Potbelly’s had a spire and a bell tower. The Harley-Davidson dealership stretched across a city block; it looked like a well-maintained storage facility. Not a single pedestrian could be glimpsed. The crosswalks were a football field across to the other side, the left turn signals arbitrary and vaguely malicious. Fleets of blacked-out SUVS sped past, suburban moms cloistered in like visiting foreign dignitaries.

There were small wooden sticks sprouting up in a pebbly open field, markers for a new development. There was an empty office building just past the slumping fencing of the open field; a designated green space for a championship golf course to be called The Hidden Links. The whole dreary expanse was a facsimile of a vibrant commercial center. It probably looked vital in its blueprints, the scale more forgiving.

The movie complex (to use the word theatres would have been absurd) resembled a mega-church. Cairns marked its entrance. Undoubtedly its inhabitants followed a charismatic strain of Christianity. The men grew goatees. Sixteen of the screens were showing romantic comedies, the other six action movies adapted from comic books.

America was hurting.

Is Barack Obama A Secret Muslim? You Betcha

2008-06-24T12:05:00.003-05:00

The story of Barack Hussein Obama’s rapid political ascension to be the Democratic Party’s 2008 presidential nominee is truly amazing, all the more so being that the junior senator from Illinois is a secret Muslim. Let us examine this Manchurian candidate’s background and try to glean how an Obama presidency would help transform North America into part of an Islamic caliphate that would extend west to Asia; and lead to a marked upturn in choreographed dance routines and the proliferation of Swedish disco.

Barack Hussein Obama was born on the outskirts of the teeming Pakistani port city of Karachi to a fishmonger father and a mother who was once called the most beautiful dwarf in all of Karachi’s eastern-most slums. His first introduction to the West came from the Swedish pop-group ABBA’s 1977 hit, “Dancing Queen.” In the Hussein family's two-room shack, under the scorching corrugated steel roof, Obama recited the lyrics incessantly, telling Jim Leher in a 2004 interview that he “thought that without ABBA, [he] would never have learned the English language, and never have written [his] two memoirs.” Although the local madrassa Obama attended was tolerant of some Swedish pop-music, the lasciviousness of ABBA ultimately got Obama expelled.

Throughout his childhood, Obama was an expert cricket player, especially excelling as an unusually skilled wicket-keeper, owing in large part to his bird-like frame and twitchy reflexes. Upon expulsion from school, Obama emigrated to neighboring India with only two business suits and an eyeball--an Obama family heirloom given to him by his father--to try his hand at professional cricket. To make ends meet Obama took extra work in countless Bollywood movie productions. His graceful carriage and lithe movements caught the eye of a then lowly Illinois attorney known to his constituents as Dickey Durbin. Dickey Durbin was a fanatic Bollywood fan, making several trips a year to Mumbai, often taking back a lucky young male extra who caught his eye to clerk in his downstate Illinois law firm.

After years of clerking for Dickey during the day and running his Springfield-based Bollywood-influenced dance studio at night, Obama eventually ran for the Illinois State Senate and won in a remarkable upset, all the more improbable since Hussein had never become a US citizen. His Senate victory made Obama only the fifteenth former Bollywood dancer ever to be elected to the Illinois Senate. From there, I guess the rest of Obama’s story is already part of modern political lore.

As his background makes clear, Obama's kind of change is not the kind this country wants or needs.

Great Opportunity In Fast-Growing Industry

2008-06-22T16:29:00.003-05:00

Do you love making easy money???

Do you love Internet solicitations???

Do you love vagueness???

How about question marks???

Well then this might be just the job for you. WorkCorps is seeking a recent college graduate with a background in heraldry and civil engineering. Applicant must have a strong nose for detail, a nose ring, outstanding business acumen, and a booming baritone. Must be well read in Homer and Eric Jung.

Also, at least eight years (or months) of experience in microwave repair is preferred. Must be fluent in Czech or Kiswahili, but not both; limited English a plus.

Please send your resume to whoever you want. Those seeking to click their mouse further, by all means, click away.

If you have a bachelor of arts, crawl into a hole and hold your breath. This is an entry-level position in an office in a glittering skyscraper in a city of your choosing. Position is only eligible to college sophomores with great hair (red) and a voluminous DVD collection including but not limited to the following titles: "Gladiator," "Legally Blonde," and "Remember The Titans."

Summer Outlook From Inoffensive Mike

2008-06-18T09:51:00.003-05:00

Sup yall,

So I'm thinking about running the marathon. I signed up for these e-mail alerts and I'm seriously considering upgrading my running appurtenances: new shoes, short-shorts, billowy skinny tank-top, displaced MC Hammer floppy hat, maybe some sleek wrap-arounds. I could train with my golden retriever, which I'm in the market for, along with an i-pod mini.

You guys heard of this hummus? I've only recently gotten into it and now that I have I don't know what took me so long. Apparently it's made from Chick peas. Cool. It's a great alternative to salsa or spreaded cheese. It's origin is Middle Eastern, but not like Islamic Middle Eastern; more like Arabian Nights and sultry belly dancers Middle Eastern.

I haven't heard it all the way through yet but the new Coldplay album sounds really solid. The title, La Viva la Vida or Death And All His Friends, is a little out there but that song from the i-pod commercial is a rocker. Steve Lillywhite produced it, he of U2's Boy, October, and War. Unfortunately, just like U2, I read a review that LVLVDAAHS (acronym) is heavily political, leftist even. Let's leave the politics to the politicians, boys. I know: you millionaire rock musicians hate free markets, the inequitable distribution of wealth, contaminated third world water, childhood polio, etc.. Well, the free market kindly requests back your villas in France and Prius' and expensive cheeses.

Now that it's officially summer--finally!!! Doesn't it seem like winter lasts about a year? (lol)--beer-garden season is upon us. There are some great alcoholic seasonal offerings come this time of the year. Two of the best in my opinion are Samuel Adams' Summer Ale, which has a great lemon zest and a peppery African spice; and Chicago's own Goose Island '312' Wheat Ale, ideal for porch parties and Big Ten reunions. I once heard Chicago in the summer referred to as "God's country" (thanks for that one, Brian) and I couldn't agree more. This weekend me and the boys are going to a Polish literature block party in Edison Part. It's supposed to be a raucous time. I hope to see some of you guys there. I heard there will be a symposium on the works of one of my favorite polish writers, the inimitable Janusz A. Zajdel. I hope I'm still lucid by that time (haha).

Next post will be on some of my different methods for stifling tears.

Carpe diem,

Mike

Instructions to Commence The Party

2007-01-24T13:25:00.000-06:00

1. Before setting off for the dance club, relax in your well-furnished apartment complete with barker lounger and erotically placed ceiling mirror. Imbibe anywhere from eight to nine strongly mixed drinks of a citrus liquor and mentally choreograph the night's dance moves.

2. Upon entering the dance club, move your hand up and down in synchronization with the melody of the trance music. This could be a challenge as trance music has no discernible melody. Allow your hand to breathe. Remember to give your wrist free and open movement during the vertical gesticulations that will inevitably accompany your in-the-know posturing.

3. At this point retreat to a dark corner of the dance club. Come down from the high of being in such a celebratory environment. Stare intently at fellow dancers. Do not, I repeat, do not avert your gaze until fellow dancers acknowledge your acknowledgement of the solidarity of the dance club. You will now be in proper community with fellow dancers.

4. Find a partner once contemporary urban music sounds from the club's public address system. Place your genitalia against your partner's buttocks/small of back. Gyrate said genitalia against said buttocks/small of back as urban music dictates.

5. At this point, everybody in the dance club will be on the precipice of intoxication. This is a positive development according to J-Kwon. Exclaim in your most adamant, shrill voice that you are the owner of the space where the dance is being consummated. This will impress the female demographic while gaining the communal respect of the male populace.

6. Do everything in your power to restrain yourself from getting sexually aroused during this intimate dance. Do not resort to duct tape. Although it is a very masculine tape, own up to your arousal. However, if this does happen to occur, simply tell your partner that you have come to profoundly appreciate the way his/her parts connect and your tumescent member is merely a show of gratitude.

If you militantly follow these six steps, you will successfully commence the party. Congratulations! Parties are fun and prosperous. May all readers have many parties in their future.

Everybody Is On Facebook

2007-01-23T14:18:00.000-06:00

Muqtada al-Sadr

Interested in: Shariah law

Realtionship Status: In a Relationship

Looking For: Shiite Regional Dominance, Anything I Can Get

Birthday: Rabi-II 5, 1395

Hometown: Najaf, Iraq. Sadr City, what up!

Political Views: Very Conservative

Interests: Self-flagellation, beards, hanging with friends, fueling sectarian violence, cruising, garish posters of myself

Favorite Music: Forbidden because its un-Islamic but I have a soft spot for Sisqo

Favorite T.V. Show: "According to Jim", al-Jazeera

Favorite Movies: "Billy Madison", "Happpy Gilmore", "Big Daddy". Adam Sandler is one hilarious Zionist.

Favorite Books: Koran, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", "The DaVinci Code"

Favorite Quotes: "Get 'er done!", "Where's the Beef?", "Death to the Great Satan"

Jimmy Jack

2007-01-11T17:32:00.000-06:00

Jimmy Jack was a drifter. His only home was the open road, his only bed the well-trodden path, his only toothbrush his urine soaked fingers. That last part wasn't metaphorical. Jimmy Jack frequently pissed himself. He had one of those archetypcal vague pasts: an Army brat, in and out of countless schools, a brief stint in the Merchant Marines, host of "Family Feud" for a few forgettable seasons. He's loved and lost, been married, separated, divorced, legally restrained, and finally, repeatedly soiled himself. It's a bit of a motiff. Jimmy Jack's been through Florida, Washington State, Kansas, never Peoria but it's on his list. What? You didn't think Jimmy Jack kept lists. He has numerous in fact. They include but are not limited to "Places I Want To Be Arrested For Vagrancy In", "Dan Brown Books I Want To Read", and "Women With Specific Names I Must Sleep With Before I Die" which include "Darlene", "Sandy", and "Crystal".
Jimmy Jack rarely complained, he takes what life gives him and life has given him a shrunken head, a fin as his sole appendage, and a natural body odor oddly reminiscent of overcooked venison. Jimmy Jack's been a guest on "Antiques Roadshow". He was dissapointed to find out that his staple gun dating back to the existence of Pangea was appraised for only $3.75. The appraiser described it as your average staple gun bought at any comtemporary office supplies store, roughly dating back to 2004. It was an investment Jimmy Jack regretted in hindsight. Jimmy Jack was a loveable throwback to a dirtier, meaner, more sexist time. I'm sad to see Jimmy Jack go. Sometimes God takes the great ones too early. However, that was definitely not the case with Jimmy Jack, for he was a mediocre person prone to bouts of incoherent harrangues against the Canadian government, the female sex, and inanimate lightpoles. The fact that Jimmy Jack now rests in an oversized pizza box, by request, mind you, is testament to, well, his love for pizza and that's about it. I don't think there's anything symbolic about it. The man just loved pizza.

...And twins

2007-01-04T14:10:00.000-06:00

I am a robust American male. Oh God, do I love my leisure time. I got to say--relaxing during my leisure time is what it's all about. And don't get me started on sports highlights. I would kill an orphan if it stood in the way of me watching sports highlights until I'm blue in the face. The comfort and assurance of a perfectly executed touchdown pass provides me with all the emotional support I need. I must be honest. I make and close deals business deals at quite a frequency. Sure, I listen to music. Some Zeppelin, Stones, a little Aerosmith. I've recently gotten into Velvet Revolver with that dude from STP. They rock pretty good. Oh man, and women...girls--the legs, the chest, the behind--there's nothing I don't like. If attractive girls and beer, maybe like a Sam's seasonal, could be made into like a burrito, I think that would be duly nutritional for your's truly. You better believe I like guys night out. Livin it up, you know. Letting loose, going to stripclubs, going back to your mom's basement, engaging in hyper sexual homoerotic dialogue with your bros. You know me, I guess I'm of a different generation, old school--red meat, chicks, beer, hyper sexual homoerotic dialogue. Oh yeah, and self-immolation. After all my leisure time is spent and all the sports highlights watched and all the babes conquered, I fantasize about lighting myself on fire. Don't get me wrong, not as a political protest or anything, just to see what it's like. I am a robust American male for pete's sake.

Charlie Rose Sits Down With E. coli 0157

2006-12-13T13:45:00.000-06:00

Charlie Rose: My next guest is an established and virulent virus who this week is ravaging intestines and shutting down kidneys across the country. I'm proud to welcome to the show E. coli 0157.

E. coli: It's great to be here, Charlie.

CR: I thought you made some extremely interesting and bold choices in your latest work. Can you briefly describe your process?

Ec: Well, Charlie, Taco Bell provided a great medium for me to ply my craft in. I guess all I can say is I just went for it. I did a lot of research, studied the Old Masters: Jack n' the Box in the eighties, basically Hardies' entire oeuvre. Despite all these influences, the outbreak still remains a personal expression. For instance, I received a lot of critical flack by deciding to work with the green peppers. I mean beef was the safe choice but I didn't get into this business to make safe choices.

CR: I had Henry Kissinger on a few weeks ago and he spoke at length about the importance of America's hegemony for global stability.

Ec: Charlie, I'm a virus not a politician but I would be disingenuous if I said the current administration's foreign policy didn't inform my work in very real way. Bush has campaigned off national security, especially against biological weapons and the possibility of germ warfare. There's now a stigma in the industry against viruses like myself. Luckily, the American fast food industry offers a sanctuary. I owe a real debt of gratitude to the pitifully underpaid workforce and the atrocious working conditions in the agro-business sector.

CR: Can you discuss any upcoming projects?

Ec: Right now I'm really just trying to lay dormant for a while and pick my outbreaks carefully. I'd hate to get typecast in the token Taco Bell role.

CR: Before we have to go, Thoreau calls the quotidian squabbles that encompass life the "quite desperation". Does this resonate with you at all in your experiences?

Ec: I'd like to paraphrase a Zen Buddhist koan: the wind doesn't move, your mind moves. That's the spirit I bring to each and every outbreak, whether it be poorly prepared beef or dirty peppers.

CR: I have no idea what you are talking about but it's gripping. Next week I'll talk to Kim Jong IL, Morgan Freeman, and economist Terrance Wilton Shayson .

Pat O'Brien Gives Thanks

2006-11-20T14:19:00.000-06:00

What I'm Especially Thankful For This Thanksgiving:

1. Suri

2. Oxycotin mixed with cocaine. I call it a Chainsaw Daydream and it's best done between the hours of 1am and 4am on Sunday mornings. Great way to start the work week.

3. It's been a rough year for me as you all might know. Lately, I've been doing things that really give me inner peace. This "me time" as I affectionately call it is a welcome reprieve from all the critical and popular adulation I receive on a near daily basis. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother teaching me the ancient Chinese art of calligraphy. I have rediscovered it this year and it's like I have never left. At times I can feel mum's warm embrace in the oblique bend of a "J".

4. gloBronze: I swear by this bronzer. Apply six times a day or as needed and believe me, I need it more than six times a day. Without it I'd just be a well-groomed moustache attached to a lumpy bag of flour.

5. SKA: This popular 90's genre has been the perfect soundtrack to my various stabs at recovery and subsequent relapses. I recommend any Mustard Plug CD you can get your dirty little hands on.

Be safe these holdidays.

Love Papa O'Brien

It's Hard Out Here for a Sedan

2006-11-17T06:06:00.000-06:00

At one time or the other we have all questioned our namesake. We ponder the question…Why am I called what I am? Usually this curiosity begins to fester around the ripe age of 12 or so, give or take 20 years and sometimes people don’t care why they are called Mark and not Maury. I asked my guardians why they bestowed “Sir” as my first name. They said it commands respect and I have a hard time arguing with that explanation. Having the first name that is usually reserved for knights doesn’t exactly win you too many student council elections in high school but it pays dividends later on in life. Like stretching, hydrating, and maintaining a strict apple a day diet, but are humanoids the only things that inquire about the origins of their name. For example…cars. I bet some automobiles are having some identity crises that go unnoticed. Sure, most cars like the Jeep Liberty (which obviously is an XUV that signifies all that is good and grand about the USA) the Dodge Ram, and the Chevy Chevette need little explanation as to the significance and their place in society, but one car that could probably use an emotional tune-up is a little sedan from Japan. The Nissan Stanza, I can only imagine this young import coming to America with nothing but 1000 yen in his glove compartment and incredible gas mileage. When asked it’s name for the first time, I can only wince when it said it’s name was “Stanza”, and it had to justify being named after “a group of lines forming the basic recurring metrical unit in a poem”. Poor Stanza, it had no chance against such self-explanatory names like Pathfinder and his no holds bar brother Xterra. The Stanza spent many nights in the back of the showroom, alone and confused, drying it’s artificial tears. Little did Stanza know that one day it would find another like it’s own, a wanderer who came to America as a young SUV and together they would break the name barrier. This SUV, the Nissan Armada, its name deriving from “a fleet of warships” , this was the bag of cement to the Stanza’s pool of tears and together they would pave the road for other ambiguous car names to appear. Today, such cars like the Chevy Equinox (either of two times each year when the sun appears directly overhead at the equator and day and night are everywhere of equal length) are accepted and even purchased because of the trailblazing done on the part of the Nissan Stanza. Today, car companies like Pontiac with there models the Vibe and the Aztek have been the American leaders in puzzling car names but look for this trend to continue as consumers become bored with the commonplace.

I Hate Cancer (See: Wrist)

2006-11-14T14:12:00.000-06:00

I despise cancer. If it were up to me, I would have cured it years ago. That's why I wear a LIVESTRONG bracelet. It really helps me stand in solidarity with those people undergoing extremely painful chemotherapy treatments. It disgusts me, actually makes me nauseous, how many bare wrists I see during my daily commute. It's staggering the voluminous amount of naked wrists practically announcing their love of all things cancer. Which brings me logically to Darfur. Until this whole bracelet thing caught fire I would never have guessed how many seemingly civil people, friends and family of mine even, were advocating for genocide. But that's exactly what you're doing by refusing to don a thin green piece of plastic. Sure, volunteering in a refugee camp and donating large sums of money has its niche place in the struggle but it's really nothing without the bracelet. I found that once I wear the bracelet it becomes so much easier to empathize with a malnourished Sudanese infant suffering from TB. It's truly amazing what a ninety-nine cent piece of plastic on an American can do for the well-being of said infant. Because I'm almost outrageously socially and politically conscious, I have crafted some personal fashion accessories that really highlight global issues close to my heart.

The general public easily forgets the sheer level of carnage wrecked on large portions of Asia by the tsunami. That's why it's so important for me to wear a diamond encrusted "Tsunami relief" choker around my neck--to announce through this gorgeous Kay jewelers product that the rebuilding process is far from over. The same goes for my "End Homelessness" tiara, which, for me, proclaims that I am princess to this often unpublicized but nevertheless vital cause. Finally, now more than ever, as our troops fight in a quagmire in Iraq with insufficient armor, menaced by the constant threat of IED's, they need a real boost of morale, something on the homefront that clearly signals the nation's support. It is with honor and pride that I wear my form-fitting "Support the Troops" short-shorts. I consider it a moral imperative to look as sexy as I can so as to preserve the freedom our President so valiantly fights to preserve. If only every citizen was as involved as I am, the country, nay, the world would be a better place.

The Macarena: A Retrospective Journey into the Heart of Darkness

2006-11-11T09:36:00.000-06:00

There is a long standing tradition of retrospection in America. From great figures such as Robert McNamara with In Retrospect and Bill Clinton’s aptly named memoir, My Life. Sir Donald brings you down the river of his childhood. A look back at a single dance phenomenon than shaped not only man beast who writes today but the world.

The Macarena began it’s humble life in the foothills. The Andalusia region of Spain would be it’s headwaters and from here would meander it’s way into cultures around the world. From indigenous farmers in Central Java to socialites in Charlotte. The Macarena turned the world into hip-gyrating, arm-extending, what were we thinking, dancing drones. Gaining social force by 1996, The Macarena looked to infiltrate the global political landscape. Much like 1978’s YMCA, which can be linked to the spread of HIV, dance phenomenons need a country’s weakness to fester. Look no further than the Democratic Party. Carter + YMCA= HIV. Clinton + Macarena= 9/11

Today, we hear that the world changed on September 11, 200l. I say the world changed on a balmy August night in Chicago, IL. The DNC at the United Center* proved to be the catalyst for social and political change and The Macarena had it’s pawn, a Vice-President named Gore and a raucous caucus of godless, freedom hating sodomites itching for political upheaval. Upheaval they shall have. After his electric speech, Gore broke into dance. Macarena ensued and so did terror. After completing the required one revolution to make a full Macarena, Gore uttered the infamous interrogative that will appear bold face in future history books. “Do you want to see it again?” These words resounded through the halls of the United Center and were transmitted to billions around the globe. Our country was weak and those who loath liberty saw the chance to attack what was precious to us. The first of it’s victims…an upstart baseball team from the mean streets of the Bronx in New York.

The New York Yankees would be the first to feel the effects of the dance. For a week during the 1996 season, the Yankees decided to change the music for a 5th inning dance performed by the beloved Yankees’ grounds crew. They troupe’s traditional routine was done to the YMCA, but the brass in the organization felt they had their ear to the street and replaced the 20 year old song with The Macarena. The Yankees went on a losing streak and chaos ensued. A slip in the standings. THE HORROR! Shortly after the YMCA and order were restored. The Yankees would go on to capture the World Series and overcome the mind-numbing effects of The Macarena. The same can not be said for the world and history.

Despite the historical ramifications, there were many stories by pubescent males who cited the Macarena as an important intermission from slow dancing during grade-school dances. Over-stimulation can be a serious problem thanks to Bryan Adams, mood lighting, and the soft-touch of a female upon the neck. In other words, it was great at alleviating a stiff erection and averting social disaster. (This is the only known medical use for the Macarena)

Today, the Dems like to point fingers at the Republicans for our current domestic and foreign problems. Well smelly liberals, maybe you should do some retrospecting yourself. America dances. The world shakes.

*The United Center was constructed in 1994 and is the home of The '96, '97, and '98 NBA Champion Chicago Bulls and Chicago Blackhawks (no one cares about them though). It is a multi-functional sports facility that can host a circus in the morning, a hockey game in the afternoon, and a Steely Dan concert in the evening.

Nancy Pelosi Knows Just What This Room Needs

2006-11-08T17:13:00.000-06:00

Hey Boys, It's Nance! Just wanted to drop by and see the place before I take over in January. Hey Dennis, did you lose weight. You know, I walk through these halls everyday and I have never noticed those oil paintings of George Washington and Alexander Hamilton. I think we should go Pop Art in the foyer. a little Andy Warhol meets Andy Jackson. Politics and art, what a concept. So now that I'm the big Speaker of the House I thought that we could have do some redecorating in the chamber. Replace those old wooden chairs with floral love seats and chintz pillows and get ready for a whole new look from the bathrooms. Some of you have maybe seen it, but I got His and Her towels. We're switching to Unisex bathrooms by the way. One country, one bathroom.
Now I know some of you are a tad worried about having a female skipper on this booze cruise but not to worry, Ole' Nance can hang with the guys every once in a while. Burger night is Wednesday and Hillary said she would drop by from upstairs, she has a great recipe for Taffy Apple Surprise. What's that John...yes, Taffy does rhyme with Daffy...and I know that's a cartoon duck, very good. Now I have a big surprise for all of you. I was going to wait until January but I thought I'd give it a couple months of a trial run. Are you ready guys? Skylights...we're getting skylights installed on the roof. Think of it as literally breaking through the "Marble Ceiling". Now this will allow for greater natural light and we'll transfer the energy from lighting the room to this novelty neon sign that reads COCKTAIL HOUR.
I don't want you to think of me as your boss. I want you to think of me as your friend. Your drinkin' buddy. Your bridge partner. Whatever else you people do.
Okay...get ready for this. I did a comprehensive study on all your zociac signs and we have some incredible results. I'll bet that many of you Republicans thought you were in the minority now. Think again my red-stated ragamuffins. We have a majority of water signs in the house. Red state, blue state...out the window. We'll be moving to an astrological voting system. We'll be passing bills on the third new moon of every fourth cycle. So get ready to legislate and remember to take off your shoes before you come in. I know that only applied to Rep. Foley...he was always playing in the mud. OHH Nancy stop it. See you in 2007.

Dick Cheney Questions Whether the Founding Fathers Support the Troops

2006-11-03T14:01:00.000-06:00

"I hate to state the obvious but we are in the middle of a war, a war in which Islamic-fascists want to figuratively sleep with our wives and wear our robes. Now guess who their figurative wingmen are? Liberals!These Prius-driving, book-reading poncies are buying the proverbial liquor and renting the metaphorical seedy motel room with free HBO so the terrorists can copulate in the, again, figurative glow of Real Sex 74 with our wives.

Now, here's the kicker. These liberals are aided and abetted every step of the way by the Founding Fathers. Do a quick investigation into the "Founding Fathers" (actually recent historical studies have shown that Reagan played perhaps the most significant role in forming this most perfect Union but, of course, the liberal media has kept that bottled up. He also built the Pyramids and led the Israelites across the Red Sea)and you'll find a bunch of French-educated atheists or theists or whatever who smoked unfiltered cigarettes while writing such subversive texts as the Constitution and Lolita. These softies created this Marxist feature called habeas corpus, meaning, well, I don't know what it means because last time I checked Latin was a dead language. They should have used English. We hav enough Latins in this country as it is. What the Founding Fathers failed to realize at the time was that our troops suffer because of the Founding Fathers' effete, emasculating political leanings. That's why the midterm elections are so crucial to the well-being of our troops, wives, daughters, inanimate American flags, FDNY, Reggie Bush, etc.. Vote down the Bill of Rights and Constitution. It's about time hard working, blue collar Americans are able to waterboard to their heart's content. These are the rights every American is born with."

Convoluted Biblical Passages

2006-10-31T14:22:00.000-06:00

Matthew 32:16-20

And Jesus said to his disciples, go now to harvest the fields and plow and sow until the harvest is abundant and plentiful and then rest. Go get some water or check your e-mail, for the day of reckoning will be slow and tedious so you might want to bring a book. I just got done with "The Da Vinci Code" and I really enjoyed it. That Dan Brown is a talented writer, a bit creative with historical facts but it's fiction and you have to take it as such. I have yet to see the movie. Actually, I "see" everything but I just couldn't forgive Tom Hanks for that haircut and I'm a fairly forgiving guy/God. Maybe it's just me but the man who played Forrest Gump should not have a pseudo-mullet with a glossy sheen. He looks like Judas or something.

Exodus 10:6-12

The children of Amram were: Aaron, Moses, and Miriam. The sons of Aaron were: Nadab, Eleazar, and Ithamar. Now, here's where it gets complicated. Ithamar was roommates with Miriam's son, Boaz, at State College. However, Boaz dropped out after his sophomore year to go to culinary school in Sinai where he met his other cousin, Naomi, who was the daughter of Nadab. Now one of their mutual friends, Zadok, owed Naomi some shekels from a Texas hold-em game from a few months back so Zadok was acting really messed up towards Boaz about borrowing some money. Then there was a flood and they all perished.

John 28:21-28

Jesus came to a town in Galilee, to a man's house who lay destitute and crippled. Jesus said to the man, "get up". The man gave Jesus a look of astonishment and said, "but Lord, I am crippled. I will surely fall". Jesus shrugged his shoulders and was about to leave the house when the man pleaded for Jesus to come back. Jesus gave the man a sheepish grin and solemnly intoned, "syk". At that the man rose from his bed and broke into the Harlem Shake in which Jesus quickly followed suit. The Lord was good. Blessed be the Lord.

An Oral History of the "14:59" Sessions

2006-10-12T14:11:00.000-05:00

When music critics talk about classic rock albums, invariably Sugar Ray's 1999 LP "14:59" is analyzed, critiqued, and, at the end of the day, revered. Recently, Pat Michael's sat down with some of the people who took part in the making of this genre-bending excursion into aural bliss and put together this oral history.

David Kahn (Engineer at Scream Studios, Fresno CA.)-Right when they entered the studio, I knew these sessions would be different than those of "Floored". Mark was pretty heavy into Hegel around '99. There'a real dialectic in "14:59" that a lot of people don't see. Honestly, I don't think people were ready to see it. It really hit too close to home for your everyday American. Plus, MM was constantly listening to Boz Scaggs and I think that's evident throughout the album. People say great rock albums can double as great literature and to me the turntable coda to end "14:59" is in many ways similar to "The Grand Inquisitor" chapter of the "Brothers Karamazov".

Murphy Karges (bassist of Sugar Ray)- I would be lying if I said I knew how to play the bass before we went into the studio for "14:59". But something weird happened when Mark took the helm. It was really his baby. I'm not a particularly religious man, I mean, I have a tattoo of a cross on my bicep and some tribal marks on my forearm but outside of those, I really have a hard time with the institutional Church. That's why "14:59" was such a revelation to me. I finally believed. Those sessions were the most selfless acts of my entire life. A lot of people see Mark as a Jesus-figure but, they have it all wrong. I see Jesus as a Mark-figure.

Stanley Jurtz (Head of A&R for Capital Records): The year was 1999 and Capital was hemorrhaging money. I was doing a lot of self-medicating and reading a lot New Age healing brochures and then "14:59" arrived on my desk one brisk autumnal morning. The first chords of "New Direction" were an epiphany to me. I think the title track not only applies to Sugar Ray's new sound but it was also a wakeup call for my own life. The moment that track ended I picked up the phone and called my dad who I hadn't talked to in fifteen years. Just yesterday, my dad and I watched my son graduate college. I owe Mark my life.

Craig T. (passed by Scream Studios during the mastering of "Someday"): It's weird. I usually walk my dog down fourth and then cut up Main but that day, for some intagible reason, I decided to take Central which took Tiffany and I right by Scream Studios. I heard what would later be known as "Someday" which at that point had the working title, "Tuesday". Needless to say, the song had quite an effect on me. I started drinking shortly after getting home. Seven years later I'm in the hospital waiting for a liver. Sure, it's not entirely that song's fault, just like it's not Hitler's fault Poland was invaded in 1938. I know Mark is the charismatic host of "Extra" now but he's ruined one life and he will ruin more. You'll get yours Mr. McGrath.

Nose Goblins

2006-10-09T13:04:00.000-05:00

“Eating one’s own boogers is a natural and healthy method of protecting oneself against infection, disease, and the opposite sex.”

-Socrates

boog•er *
noun
1 another term for Bogeyman
2 informal a piece of dried nasal mucus

*Courtesy of Oxford American Dictionaries

When one says the word “booger”, one rarely thinks of an alternative for the “Bogeyman”. For today, I will explore the humble origins of everyone’s favorite harvestable body function, the booger. The booger made its first appearance in recorded history on Egyptian glyph picto-stories in Thebes. Here, with help from histories Alta Vista, the Rosetta Stone, archeologists were able to decipher these inscriptions and discovered fascinating aspects of Ancient Egyptian life. The first sitcom was actually written in ancient Egypt. Thel title gets lost in translation, but “Israelites” is the closest interpretation. It was much like “Friends”, but with slavery. Perhaps the greatest discovery came in the field of medicine, where a section of the wall writings documented the key to an extended life of social awkwardness. Consumption of one’s own dried nasal mucus could extend the life of an Egyptian by 15 to 20 years and grant that subject immunity from most diseases, and these clowns lived by The Nile, so you know it’s legit. Idling in obscurity for the better part of 700 years, an up and coming Greek physician named Hippocrates discovered the booger during a spell of boredom and declared it a wonderful remedy for most ailments. The Greeks and Romans used the booger for almost 300 years with unbelievable success, declaring that the booger allowed them to accomplish incredible feats of architecture, civil engineering, and philosophy. Stating that the booger was a wonderful thing to ruminate on. After this, came the Dark Ages for the booger. The Catholic Church declared the ingestion of boogers grounds for excommunication and chastised those who practiced the ancient art of self-immunization. This method was forced to go underground with only a handful of practitioners a generation. Thanks to childish things like etiquette, the booger is now frowned upon by modern society, few know of the important role it has played in histories bouts with disease. It was in Europe, combating plague, in the New World with the natives, fighting off smallpox (can’t win ‘em all), and it was in the Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. That’s right friends pick, eat, and be merry.

Love Me, Please

2006-10-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

I've always harbored the desire to be a "regular" at either an eatery, watering hole, or the like--one of those salt-of-the-earth types that wear trucker hats unironically and really earn their facial hair. One of those guys you enviously watch flop himself down at the counter, peck the orange haired waitress, Judy, on the cheek and order the "usual" from Sal. Sal always looks like he's been cooking in the same clothes for years and might be terminally ill but that "regular" gladly devours his BLT. So I decided to work extra hard at being benignly pathetic and really become someone people sort of know.

Morning: I greeted the busdriver with effusive pleasentries. I asked the portly lass what's it like to toil away all week only to snort your paycheck off the bathroom floor of some seedy bar under the freeway while the kid's are being watched by your alcoholic mom. Unfortunately, she did not register me as an old acquaintance which in retrospect makes sense because I never ride the bus. What kind of pathetic person do you think I am?
Outcome at "Regular" status: Failure

Afternoon:I walked into a nondescript diner--just the type of place I envisioned myself becoming a "regular" at. The waitress, who must have been a card carrying suffragette, seemed to resent the passionate kiss on the mouth I greeted her with. The cook, a large territorial Italian man, gave me a tuna sandwich after I repeatedly requested the "usual". He must have been freshly off the boat from Ellis Island and didn't understand my request. He should know I hate tuna. Next time, that fiery Papist better get it right.

Outcome at "Regular" Status: Failure

Evening: I knew this would be my last chance so I brought my familiarity A-Game to the local Irish Pub. I settled onto a stool where some red-faced, jowly man proceeded to ask what I was drinking. I demanded the establishment's finest Alcopop and stated I would settle for nothing less. This Gaelic publican looked at me in dismay, gurgling through his incomprehensible brogue that the place didn't serve such drinks. My nerves were shot after such a trying day so I swiftly begun weeping on the bar, curled up in the fetal position and, for once, I felt like a "regular".

Outcome at "Regular" Status: success

Open Letter to My Seventh-Grade Self

2006-09-12T13:05:00.000-05:00

Let's get things straight right off the bat. "Satellite" by The Dave Matthews Band is not the best song ever recorded and, yes, that also applies to the Red Rocks version. Mr. Matthews' insidious laid back mix of Afro-acoustic onanism and frat boy grunting is a diabolical brew for your naive musical tastes. Please Michaels, I implore you to never use the phrase that "Dave and Tim bootleg" or any combination thereof in a social setting. In hindsight, it would have been better to stay with "Dookie" and the like. Moving on. Yes, you are tall and gangly. Now you will continue to be tall and gangly. That metamorphosis into a chiseled, bronzed, cyborg-like hunk you always thought was just around the corner is still in its planning stage. However, your mannicured bouffant will retroactively make you look like a North Korean dictator. You are the center of a personality cult. Take this as solace for your general hideousness. Athletics. Despite the fact you have a negative vertical leap and a seventh grade season high of fifteen points, you somehow continue to entertain the idea of an NBA career. Take up a hobby ASAP, like origami or smoking. As for high-school, your vision of it as a Bacchanalian orgy will be pretty much spot on. Cigarettes will be smoked. Liquor will be stolen from cabinets and chicks will be tongued. Hell yeah!!!

Trinidad sans Tobago

2006-08-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

Sir Donald Gorman esq. would like to make clear to his wide and diverse readership that he personally resents Tobago always latching on to Trinidad and in no way condones this abhorrent shorthand. Trinidad is nice enough to tolerate this horrendous association but what it doesn't realize is that it's only hurting itself. Trinidad--you're better than this. Tobago, that pining, meek, passive aggressive entity with the mediocre Crown Point Airport makes me physically ill. I hate to invoke Mussolini but I'd say that the similarities between the dictator and stooge land mass are glaring. I get it: Trinidad and Tobago are geographically close. Sir Donald resides close to an Old Country Buffet but doesn't call his domicile Casa Gorman and OCB. I'm sorry if I'm just spewing rage but it get me so worked up.

Beards Are Hard

2006-08-18T18:01:00.000-05:00

What do Detroit Pistons forward Tayshun Prince and terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden have in common? If you answered a solid midrange game coupled with a fervent love for jihad, I guess you're technically right (scouts considered bin Laden a project coming out of Tora Bora. Isaiah Thomas as Knicks GM took a chance on him as a late second round pick. Unfortunately knee injuries ended his career early. As for Prince, he hates America). What I was actually looking for is both men have terrific, and by terrific I mean really hideous beards. Beards--the equivalent of asbestos insulation for your face. Donald is in the midst of growing a beard and has some advice for the novice hair-on-the-face grower. First, before deciding on what kind of beard to grow,embark on a week-long Ignatian silent retreat. I recommend you bring a Bible and a case of Milwaukee's Best. After engaging in the Spiritual Exercises without having a giant beer can fly from the sky and obliterate you, you will most likely come to the conclusion that you will grow a beard without trimming it or maintaining it in anyway. This subtle decision will separate the men from the boys or, if you will, the people who have given up all hope from the people who still care about life. I must emphasize that apathy and self-loathing are the best tools available to a serious beard grower. Moreover, for those hipsters who think, "hey, I don't trim my beard. That must mean I'm a serious beard grower as defined by Gorman esq.". All I have to say in response is you, sir, are a coward. Serious beard growers attach no irony to their facial growth. Like artists, beard growers do not grow their beards because society dictates they must but because a higher power urges them on. They simply have no other choice. Finally, enjoy the beard growing journey. You might have detested Bob Seeger before having a beard, but if you suddenly enjoy his teery ballads of life on the road while sporting a face garden, do not resist this. Your person grows along with the beard. Finally, many Americans are saddened by the growing polarization of politics in America. A few pundits hearken back to the Civil War as the last time the political landscape has been so dreary. I, for one, rejoice in this analogy. For serious beard growers, the American Civil War was the Steve Miller's Greatest Hits of great beards. If this is any indication, the future looks very bright for us beard growers. Remain vigilant, for you are the few, the proud.
MC

A Message from The Sun

2006-08-16T16:36:00.000-05:00

Hey Earth, what's up dude, I know we haven't talked in a while, well ever since that whole Copernicus thing. I just want you to know that I had nothing to do with that bro. I mean I knew all along that I was the center of the solar system, but I didn't want to start a fight or anything. I'm Catholic and you know how the higher ups react to scientific reason. Anyways, this whole heliocentric thing isn't bad, Jupiter's kind of a drunk and Pluto can get really sensitive when I don't give him enough attention but other than that, life as the grand master of the Milky Way has been all peaches n' cream. I kind of got a problem though and I was wondering if you could help me out. Turns out there restructuring the whole admissions process to allow for some diversity in the Solar System. Now you know I'm down with flavor and I have no problems adding some cookie crumbles to the Milky Way. For instance, Mars and I dated for a while, I'm gas based, and that ho is land-based, by the way...tell Mars I said Hey. I don't know if you are aware but some scientists are about to admit three new celestial bodies as planets. Now it's not that big of a deal because I got plenty of magnetic pull to go around and I am more than happy to share it with the newbies, but one of the three is the problem. Alright, remember that fling I had with Neptune and Pluto just kind of showed up. Well, there was a second planet, Neptune had twins, but gave one to the neighbors in the Canis Major dwarf galaxy.
Well, turns out the little runt is back in the MW and now he wants a piece of the Sun's gravitational action or Neptune is going to squeal. Now you know the reputation I hold around these parts, how am I supposed to preach safe orbiting if I have an illegitimate body around. So I need you to cover me, I need you to take the blame for the new guy, Charon is his name. I know this is short notice but I have bailed you and your inhabitants out big time. I know there not the best houseguests but give them time, they're pretty close to landing on Mars. Well Earthy, (can I call you Earthy) it's been a hoot and thanks for taking the blame and I'll tell the Moon to go easy on the tides for a little. Tah Tah.
PM

Cooking with Chez Gorman

2006-08-11T18:58:00.000-05:00

Hey there internet stranger. Did you just stumble upon this blog by searching for after-school activities on google? Are you one of those internet predators? You probably didn't expect to find Sir Donald in the kitchen with some fun cooking tips that are quick and that's right... nutritious. Now put on some pants and meet me in the kitchen (you'll do that later). You probably think that cooking is for loudmouth wives that should shut their holes and make you supper, but you don't have a wife, that's why you spend the day on the internet posing as a 14/F. Well, I bet all that role playing really works up an appetite and your probably sick of eating cold barbecue sauce and cheese sandwiches. I have quite an eclectic selection of dishes that should satiate that bizarre belly of yours. Everyone likes appetizers and there is no better way to start off a romantic evening than a variation on an old favorite. Pigs in a Blanket Gorman. This is simple and relatively mess free. Take a jar of pickles, preferably dill spears. Now take a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. Now un-roll the Roll-Up and simply place that pickle at one end and roll to the other end, with that pickle snug as a bug in a fruit rug. Enjoy. I know you are only allotted one pickle a month for proper sodium intake, but you don't strike me as the kind of person that abides by "rules". Now for the main course. It's Shark Week on one of those nature/apocalypse networks and that means "Shark Surprise" aboard the good ship Gorman. Shark are a type of fish and although this dish does not require real fish it does require a bowl and milk. We're staying with a fruit snack theme for this dinner. Now when you put the Roll-Ups back, pick up that box of Shark Bites, grab two packages and place them next to bowl and milk. Now grab that awkward sack of Goldfish crackers and dump them in the bowl. The great part about this dish is that there are so many variations on it. Let loose and try different flavors of Goldfish you risk taker. Now simply add fruit sharks and milk. Bon Apetit. Well, my stomachs grumbling just mentioning these delectable gastro delights and hopefully you'll make it to the kitchen an indulge. That's all the time we have for cooking, happy hunting stranger.
PM