Jimmy Jack

Jimmy Jack was a drifter. His only home was the open road, his only bed the well-trodden path, his only toothbrush his urine soaked fingers. That last part wasn't metaphorical. Jimmy Jack frequently pissed himself. He had one of those archetypcal vague pasts: an Army brat, in and out of countless schools, a brief stint in the Merchant Marines, host of "Family Feud" for a few forgettable seasons. He's loved and lost, been married, separated, divorced, legally restrained, and finally, repeatedly soiled himself. It's a bit of a motiff. Jimmy Jack's been through Florida, Washington State, Kansas, never Peoria but it's on his list. What? You didn't think Jimmy Jack kept lists. He has numerous in fact. They include but are not limited to "Places I Want To Be Arrested For Vagrancy In", "Dan Brown Books I Want To Read", and "Women With Specific Names I Must Sleep With Before I Die" which include "Darlene", "Sandy", and "Crystal".
Jimmy Jack rarely complained, he takes what life gives him and life has given him a shrunken head, a fin as his sole appendage, and a natural body odor oddly reminiscent of overcooked venison. Jimmy Jack's been a guest on "Antiques Roadshow". He was dissapointed to find out that his staple gun dating back to the existence of Pangea was appraised for only $3.75. The appraiser described it as your average staple gun bought at any comtemporary office supplies store, roughly dating back to 2004. It was an investment Jimmy Jack regretted in hindsight. Jimmy Jack was a loveable throwback to a dirtier, meaner, more sexist time. I'm sad to see Jimmy Jack go. Sometimes God takes the great ones too early. However, that was definitely not the case with Jimmy Jack, for he was a mediocre person prone to bouts of incoherent harrangues against the Canadian government, the female sex, and inanimate lightpoles. The fact that Jimmy Jack now rests in an oversized pizza box, by request, mind you, is testament to, well, his love for pizza and that's about it. I don't think there's anything symbolic about it. The man just loved pizza.