Instructions to Commence The Party

1. Before setting off for the dance club, relax in your well-furnished apartment complete with barker lounger and erotically placed ceiling mirror. Imbibe anywhere from eight to nine strongly mixed drinks of a citrus liquor and mentally choreograph the night's dance moves.

2. Upon entering the dance club, move your hand up and down in synchronization with the melody of the trance music. This could be a challenge as trance music has no discernible melody. Allow your hand to breathe. Remember to give your wrist free and open movement during the vertical gesticulations that will inevitably accompany your in-the-know posturing.

3. At this point retreat to a dark corner of the dance club. Come down from the high of being in such a celebratory environment. Stare intently at fellow dancers. Do not, I repeat, do not avert your gaze until fellow dancers acknowledge your acknowledgement of the solidarity of the dance club. You will now be in proper community with fellow dancers.

4. Find a partner once contemporary urban music sounds from the club's public address system. Place your genitalia against your partner's buttocks/small of back. Gyrate said genitalia against said buttocks/small of back as urban music dictates.

5. At this point, everybody in the dance club will be on the precipice of intoxication. This is a positive development according to J-Kwon. Exclaim in your most adamant, shrill voice that you are the owner of the space where the dance is being consummated. This will impress the female demographic while gaining the communal respect of the male populace.

6. Do everything in your power to restrain yourself from getting sexually aroused during this intimate dance. Do not resort to duct tape. Although it is a very masculine tape, own up to your arousal. However, if this does happen to occur, simply tell your partner that you have come to profoundly appreciate the way his/her parts connect and your tumescent member is merely a show of gratitude.

If you militantly follow these six steps, you will successfully commence the party. Congratulations! Parties are fun and prosperous. May all readers have many parties in their future.