Pat O'Brien Gives Thanks

What I'm Especially Thankful For This Thanksgiving:

1. Suri

2. Oxycotin mixed with cocaine. I call it a Chainsaw Daydream and it's best done between the hours of 1am and 4am on Sunday mornings. Great way to start the work week.

3. It's been a rough year for me as you all might know. Lately, I've been doing things that really give me inner peace. This "me time" as I affectionately call it is a welcome reprieve from all the critical and popular adulation I receive on a near daily basis. Some of my earliest memories are of my mother teaching me the ancient Chinese art of calligraphy. I have rediscovered it this year and it's like I have never left. At times I can feel mum's warm embrace in the oblique bend of a "J".

4. gloBronze: I swear by this bronzer. Apply six times a day or as needed and believe me, I need it more than six times a day. Without it I'd just be a well-groomed moustache attached to a lumpy bag of flour.

5. SKA: This popular 90's genre has been the perfect soundtrack to my various stabs at recovery and subsequent relapses. I recommend any Mustard Plug CD you can get your dirty little hands on.

Be safe these holdidays.

Love Papa O'Brien

It's Hard Out Here for a Sedan

At one time or the other we have all questioned our namesake. We ponder the question…Why am I called what I am? Usually this curiosity begins to fester around the ripe age of 12 or so, give or take 20 years and sometimes people don’t care why they are called Mark and not Maury. I asked my guardians why they bestowed “Sir” as my first name. They said it commands respect and I have a hard time arguing with that explanation. Having the first name that is usually reserved for knights doesn’t exactly win you too many student council elections in high school but it pays dividends later on in life. Like stretching, hydrating, and maintaining a strict apple a day diet, but are humanoids the only things that inquire about the origins of their name. For example…cars. I bet some automobiles are having some identity crises that go unnoticed. Sure, most cars like the Jeep Liberty (which obviously is an XUV that signifies all that is good and grand about the USA) the Dodge Ram, and the Chevy Chevette need little explanation as to the significance and their place in society, but one car that could probably use an emotional tune-up is a little sedan from Japan. The Nissan Stanza, I can only imagine this young import coming to America with nothing but 1000 yen in his glove compartment and incredible gas mileage. When asked it’s name for the first time, I can only wince when it said it’s name was “Stanza”, and it had to justify being named after “a group of lines forming the basic recurring metrical unit in a poem”. Poor Stanza, it had no chance against such self-explanatory names like Pathfinder and his no holds bar brother Xterra. The Stanza spent many nights in the back of the showroom, alone and confused, drying it’s artificial tears. Little did Stanza know that one day it would find another like it’s own, a wanderer who came to America as a young SUV and together they would break the name barrier. This SUV, the Nissan Armada, its name deriving from “a fleet of warships” , this was the bag of cement to the Stanza’s pool of tears and together they would pave the road for other ambiguous car names to appear. Today, such cars like the Chevy Equinox (either of two times each year when the sun appears directly overhead at the equator and day and night are everywhere of equal length) are accepted and even purchased because of the trailblazing done on the part of the Nissan Stanza. Today, car companies like Pontiac with there models the Vibe and the Aztek have been the American leaders in puzzling car names but look for this trend to continue as consumers become bored with the commonplace.

I Hate Cancer (See: Wrist)

I despise cancer. If it were up to me, I would have cured it years ago. That's why I wear a LIVESTRONG bracelet. It really helps me stand in solidarity with those people undergoing extremely painful chemotherapy treatments. It disgusts me, actually makes me nauseous, how many bare wrists I see during my daily commute. It's staggering the voluminous amount of naked wrists practically announcing their love of all things cancer. Which brings me logically to Darfur. Until this whole bracelet thing caught fire I would never have guessed how many seemingly civil people, friends and family of mine even, were advocating for genocide. But that's exactly what you're doing by refusing to don a thin green piece of plastic. Sure, volunteering in a refugee camp and donating large sums of money has its niche place in the struggle but it's really nothing without the bracelet. I found that once I wear the bracelet it becomes so much easier to empathize with a malnourished Sudanese infant suffering from TB. It's truly amazing what a ninety-nine cent piece of plastic on an American can do for the well-being of said infant. Because I'm almost outrageously socially and politically conscious, I have crafted some personal fashion accessories that really highlight global issues close to my heart.

The general public easily forgets the sheer level of carnage wrecked on large portions of Asia by the tsunami. That's why it's so important for me to wear a diamond encrusted "Tsunami relief" choker around my neck--to announce through this gorgeous Kay jewelers product that the rebuilding process is far from over. The same goes for my "End Homelessness" tiara, which, for me, proclaims that I am princess to this often unpublicized but nevertheless vital cause. Finally, now more than ever, as our troops fight in a quagmire in Iraq with insufficient armor, menaced by the constant threat of IED's, they need a real boost of morale, something on the homefront that clearly signals the nation's support. It is with honor and pride that I wear my form-fitting "Support the Troops" short-shorts. I consider it a moral imperative to look as sexy as I can so as to preserve the freedom our President so valiantly fights to preserve. If only every citizen was as involved as I am, the country, nay, the world would be a better place.

The Macarena: A Retrospective Journey into the Heart of Darkness

There is a long standing tradition of retrospection in America. From great figures such as Robert McNamara with In Retrospect and Bill Clinton’s aptly named memoir, My Life. Sir Donald brings you down the river of his childhood. A look back at a single dance phenomenon than shaped not only man beast who writes today but the world.

The Macarena began it’s humble life in the foothills. The Andalusia region of Spain would be it’s headwaters and from here would meander it’s way into cultures around the world. From indigenous farmers in Central Java to socialites in Charlotte. The Macarena turned the world into hip-gyrating, arm-extending, what were we thinking, dancing drones. Gaining social force by 1996, The Macarena looked to infiltrate the global political landscape. Much like 1978’s YMCA, which can be linked to the spread of HIV, dance phenomenons need a country’s weakness to fester. Look no further than the Democratic Party. Carter + YMCA= HIV. Clinton + Macarena= 9/11

Today, we hear that the world changed on September 11, 200l. I say the world changed on a balmy August night in Chicago, IL. The DNC at the United Center* proved to be the catalyst for social and political change and The Macarena had it’s pawn, a Vice-President named Gore and a raucous caucus of godless, freedom hating sodomites itching for political upheaval. Upheaval they shall have. After his electric speech, Gore broke into dance. Macarena ensued and so did terror. After completing the required one revolution to make a full Macarena, Gore uttered the infamous interrogative that will appear bold face in future history books. “Do you want to see it again?” These words resounded through the halls of the United Center and were transmitted to billions around the globe. Our country was weak and those who loath liberty saw the chance to attack what was precious to us. The first of it’s victims…an upstart baseball team from the mean streets of the Bronx in New York.

The New York Yankees would be the first to feel the effects of the dance. For a week during the 1996 season, the Yankees decided to change the music for a 5th inning dance performed by the beloved Yankees’ grounds crew. They troupe’s traditional routine was done to the YMCA, but the brass in the organization felt they had their ear to the street and replaced the 20 year old song with The Macarena. The Yankees went on a losing streak and chaos ensued. A slip in the standings. THE HORROR! Shortly after the YMCA and order were restored. The Yankees would go on to capture the World Series and overcome the mind-numbing effects of The Macarena. The same can not be said for the world and history.

Despite the historical ramifications, there were many stories by pubescent males who cited the Macarena as an important intermission from slow dancing during grade-school dances. Over-stimulation can be a serious problem thanks to Bryan Adams, mood lighting, and the soft-touch of a female upon the neck. In other words, it was great at alleviating a stiff erection and averting social disaster. (This is the only known medical use for the Macarena)

Today, the Dems like to point fingers at the Republicans for our current domestic and foreign problems. Well smelly liberals, maybe you should do some retrospecting yourself. America dances. The world shakes.

*The United Center was constructed in 1994 and is the home of The '96, '97, and '98 NBA Champion Chicago Bulls and Chicago Blackhawks (no one cares about them though). It is a multi-functional sports facility that can host a circus in the morning, a hockey game in the afternoon, and a Steely Dan concert in the evening.

Nancy Pelosi Knows Just What This Room Needs

Hey Boys, It's Nance! Just wanted to drop by and see the place before I take over in January. Hey Dennis, did you lose weight. You know, I walk through these halls everyday and I have never noticed those oil paintings of George Washington and Alexander Hamilton. I think we should go Pop Art in the foyer. a little Andy Warhol meets Andy Jackson. Politics and art, what a concept. So now that I'm the big Speaker of the House I thought that we could have do some redecorating in the chamber. Replace those old wooden chairs with floral love seats and chintz pillows and get ready for a whole new look from the bathrooms. Some of you have maybe seen it, but I got His and Her towels. We're switching to Unisex bathrooms by the way. One country, one bathroom.
Now I know some of you are a tad worried about having a female skipper on this booze cruise but not to worry, Ole' Nance can hang with the guys every once in a while. Burger night is Wednesday and Hillary said she would drop by from upstairs, she has a great recipe for Taffy Apple Surprise. What's that John...yes, Taffy does rhyme with Daffy...and I know that's a cartoon duck, very good. Now I have a big surprise for all of you. I was going to wait until January but I thought I'd give it a couple months of a trial run. Are you ready guys? Skylights...we're getting skylights installed on the roof. Think of it as literally breaking through the "Marble Ceiling". Now this will allow for greater natural light and we'll transfer the energy from lighting the room to this novelty neon sign that reads COCKTAIL HOUR.
I don't want you to think of me as your boss. I want you to think of me as your friend. Your drinkin' buddy. Your bridge partner. Whatever else you people do.
Okay...get ready for this. I did a comprehensive study on all your zociac signs and we have some incredible results. I'll bet that many of you Republicans thought you were in the minority now. Think again my red-stated ragamuffins. We have a majority of water signs in the house. Red state, blue state...out the window. We'll be moving to an astrological voting system. We'll be passing bills on the third new moon of every fourth cycle. So get ready to legislate and remember to take off your shoes before you come in. I know that only applied to Rep. Foley...he was always playing in the mud. OHH Nancy stop it. See you in 2007.

Dick Cheney Questions Whether the Founding Fathers Support the Troops

"I hate to state the obvious but we are in the middle of a war, a war in which Islamic-fascists want to figuratively sleep with our wives and wear our robes. Now guess who their figurative wingmen are? Liberals!These Prius-driving, book-reading poncies are buying the proverbial liquor and renting the metaphorical seedy motel room with free HBO so the terrorists can copulate in the, again, figurative glow of Real Sex 74 with our wives.

Now, here's the kicker. These liberals are aided and abetted every step of the way by the Founding Fathers. Do a quick investigation into the "Founding Fathers" (actually recent historical studies have shown that Reagan played perhaps the most significant role in forming this most perfect Union but, of course, the liberal media has kept that bottled up. He also built the Pyramids and led the Israelites across the Red Sea)and you'll find a bunch of French-educated atheists or theists or whatever who smoked unfiltered cigarettes while writing such subversive texts as the Constitution and Lolita. These softies created this Marxist feature called habeas corpus, meaning, well, I don't know what it means because last time I checked Latin was a dead language. They should have used English. We hav enough Latins in this country as it is. What the Founding Fathers failed to realize at the time was that our troops suffer because of the Founding Fathers' effete, emasculating political leanings. That's why the midterm elections are so crucial to the well-being of our troops, wives, daughters, inanimate American flags, FDNY, Reggie Bush, etc.. Vote down the Bill of Rights and Constitution. It's about time hard working, blue collar Americans are able to waterboard to their heart's content. These are the rights every American is born with."