Trinidad sans Tobago

Sir Donald Gorman esq. would like to make clear to his wide and diverse readership that he personally resents Tobago always latching on to Trinidad and in no way condones this abhorrent shorthand. Trinidad is nice enough to tolerate this horrendous association but what it doesn't realize is that it's only hurting itself. Trinidad--you're better than this. Tobago, that pining, meek, passive aggressive entity with the mediocre Crown Point Airport makes me physically ill. I hate to invoke Mussolini but I'd say that the similarities between the dictator and stooge land mass are glaring. I get it: Trinidad and Tobago are geographically close. Sir Donald resides close to an Old Country Buffet but doesn't call his domicile Casa Gorman and OCB. I'm sorry if I'm just spewing rage but it get me so worked up.

Beards Are Hard

What do Detroit Pistons forward Tayshun Prince and terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden have in common? If you answered a solid midrange game coupled with a fervent love for jihad, I guess you're technically right (scouts considered bin Laden a project coming out of Tora Bora. Isaiah Thomas as Knicks GM took a chance on him as a late second round pick. Unfortunately knee injuries ended his career early. As for Prince, he hates America). What I was actually looking for is both men have terrific, and by terrific I mean really hideous beards. Beards--the equivalent of asbestos insulation for your face. Donald is in the midst of growing a beard and has some advice for the novice hair-on-the-face grower. First, before deciding on what kind of beard to grow,embark on a week-long Ignatian silent retreat. I recommend you bring a Bible and a case of Milwaukee's Best. After engaging in the Spiritual Exercises without having a giant beer can fly from the sky and obliterate you, you will most likely come to the conclusion that you will grow a beard without trimming it or maintaining it in anyway. This subtle decision will separate the men from the boys or, if you will, the people who have given up all hope from the people who still care about life. I must emphasize that apathy and self-loathing are the best tools available to a serious beard grower. Moreover, for those hipsters who think, "hey, I don't trim my beard. That must mean I'm a serious beard grower as defined by Gorman esq.". All I have to say in response is you, sir, are a coward. Serious beard growers attach no irony to their facial growth. Like artists, beard growers do not grow their beards because society dictates they must but because a higher power urges them on. They simply have no other choice. Finally, enjoy the beard growing journey. You might have detested Bob Seeger before having a beard, but if you suddenly enjoy his teery ballads of life on the road while sporting a face garden, do not resist this. Your person grows along with the beard. Finally, many Americans are saddened by the growing polarization of politics in America. A few pundits hearken back to the Civil War as the last time the political landscape has been so dreary. I, for one, rejoice in this analogy. For serious beard growers, the American Civil War was the Steve Miller's Greatest Hits of great beards. If this is any indication, the future looks very bright for us beard growers. Remain vigilant, for you are the few, the proud.
MC

A Message from The Sun

Hey Earth, what's up dude, I know we haven't talked in a while, well ever since that whole Copernicus thing. I just want you to know that I had nothing to do with that bro. I mean I knew all along that I was the center of the solar system, but I didn't want to start a fight or anything. I'm Catholic and you know how the higher ups react to scientific reason. Anyways, this whole heliocentric thing isn't bad, Jupiter's kind of a drunk and Pluto can get really sensitive when I don't give him enough attention but other than that, life as the grand master of the Milky Way has been all peaches n' cream. I kind of got a problem though and I was wondering if you could help me out. Turns out there restructuring the whole admissions process to allow for some diversity in the Solar System. Now you know I'm down with flavor and I have no problems adding some cookie crumbles to the Milky Way. For instance, Mars and I dated for a while, I'm gas based, and that ho is land-based, by the way...tell Mars I said Hey. I don't know if you are aware but some scientists are about to admit three new celestial bodies as planets. Now it's not that big of a deal because I got plenty of magnetic pull to go around and I am more than happy to share it with the newbies, but one of the three is the problem. Alright, remember that fling I had with Neptune and Pluto just kind of showed up. Well, there was a second planet, Neptune had twins, but gave one to the neighbors in the Canis Major dwarf galaxy.
Well, turns out the little runt is back in the MW and now he wants a piece of the Sun's gravitational action or Neptune is going to squeal. Now you know the reputation I hold around these parts, how am I supposed to preach safe orbiting if I have an illegitimate body around. So I need you to cover me, I need you to take the blame for the new guy, Charon is his name. I know this is short notice but I have bailed you and your inhabitants out big time. I know there not the best houseguests but give them time, they're pretty close to landing on Mars. Well Earthy, (can I call you Earthy) it's been a hoot and thanks for taking the blame and I'll tell the Moon to go easy on the tides for a little. Tah Tah.
PM

Cooking with Chez Gorman

Hey there internet stranger. Did you just stumble upon this blog by searching for after-school activities on google? Are you one of those internet predators? You probably didn't expect to find Sir Donald in the kitchen with some fun cooking tips that are quick and that's right... nutritious. Now put on some pants and meet me in the kitchen (you'll do that later). You probably think that cooking is for loudmouth wives that should shut their holes and make you supper, but you don't have a wife, that's why you spend the day on the internet posing as a 14/F. Well, I bet all that role playing really works up an appetite and your probably sick of eating cold barbecue sauce and cheese sandwiches. I have quite an eclectic selection of dishes that should satiate that bizarre belly of yours. Everyone likes appetizers and there is no better way to start off a romantic evening than a variation on an old favorite. Pigs in a Blanket Gorman. This is simple and relatively mess free. Take a jar of pickles, preferably dill spears. Now take a box of Fruit Roll-Ups. Now un-roll the Roll-Up and simply place that pickle at one end and roll to the other end, with that pickle snug as a bug in a fruit rug. Enjoy. I know you are only allotted one pickle a month for proper sodium intake, but you don't strike me as the kind of person that abides by "rules". Now for the main course. It's Shark Week on one of those nature/apocalypse networks and that means "Shark Surprise" aboard the good ship Gorman. Shark are a type of fish and although this dish does not require real fish it does require a bowl and milk. We're staying with a fruit snack theme for this dinner. Now when you put the Roll-Ups back, pick up that box of Shark Bites, grab two packages and place them next to bowl and milk. Now grab that awkward sack of Goldfish crackers and dump them in the bowl. The great part about this dish is that there are so many variations on it. Let loose and try different flavors of Goldfish you risk taker. Now simply add fruit sharks and milk. Bon Apetit. Well, my stomachs grumbling just mentioning these delectable gastro delights and hopefully you'll make it to the kitchen an indulge. That's all the time we have for cooking, happy hunting stranger.
PM

A report from the front

Wilmette, Illinois- In the restive large swath of uncontrolled land southeast of Sir Donald Gorman's forearm, severe sweatiness and clamminess has taken hold of key government buildings. The palms have been sent to a local dermatologist where tests are underway to determine the extent and innerconnectedness of the psychosomatic root of his glandular hostilities. Coalition of the Awkward and Clammy spokesman Pat Michaels said "the discovery of the moisture is another tragic reminder of the ever increasing sectarian violence between Donald Gorman's psyche and his body's natural clamminess. We must remain vigilant and steadfast in our commitment to combat the clammy-fascist terror perpetrated by a small percentage of the otherwise peace loving body parts". Mr. Michaels would say no more concerning the actions taken by Coalition forces in combating the clamminess. In other developments across his body, the burgeoning "backne" especially on his upper shoulders shows no sign of relenting. So far this month alone, significant and aesthetically displeasing features have proven to be psychological obstacles for Donald and his family and friends.
Reuters/AP
MC

On Leadership

I would like to to open up my bag of secrecy, I know we're not friends, but hey, you seem harmless enough. I have an affliction, it is known as hyperhidrosis or over-active sweat glands to the lay. This socially debilitating disease haunts thousands of people everyday. This problem is not just for the awkward and socially inept, it is a very serious and real hindrance. I have spent my entire life scouring pharmacies and personal hygiene sections of my local grocer for a remedy, but to no avail. Now, you may be saying to yourself, "Is this a consumer report?" Nay, this is a personal thank you to the Unilever company who makes Degree, my current anti-perspirant & deodorant. At first glance, this looks like any other underarm merchandise, a twistable, white, non-edible product with a name (Cool Rush) that sounds more like a Capri Sun flavor than anything, but it is what lies beneath the semi-transparent cap that proves why it is the Senate Majority Leader of the antiperspirant/deodorant legislative branch. When I first used the product I was struck by a message that was engraved into the top of the stick. It read, "Lead the Way", but in faster letters, letters that made me think Cool Rush. I did not apply under arms, but sat down in my Spongebob Squarepants themed bathroom and pondered how I could be a leader and how Degree could help me achieve greatness. This message from my anti-perspirant/deodorant and now motivant conjured up memories of childhood where I had been propelled by unadulterated fear. Whether it was my father threatening to throw my dog in a wood chipper if I did not become the next male Bonnie Blair, or my swim coach helping me get into my Speedo before the big meet. It was a rush of fresh air to read such great words coming from a 6 inch tube of underarm confidence and as I sat half-naked and cross-legged on my toilet, ready to apply, I felt like Churchill at Yalta and then after I applied and immediately started perspiring, I felt like Stalin (big sweater). Anywho, thanks for nothing dad and I miss you Flopsy, you scream in my dreams.
PM

You heard of them here first

There is tremendous internet buzz for the up and coming indie band Wolves on Fire. WOF has yet to release an EP or full length but they are primed to be the next big thing. This Brooklyn-based band has not played a live show nor have they rehearsed together but they cite Joy Divison and Wire as big influences. Moreover, with their ironic t-shirts and decidedly liberal political leanings, WOF has already cemented themselves as a band to watch in the next year or two. They plan on playing angular post-punk once they get around to purchasing and learning how to play their instruments. However,a recent blog post by Wolves on Fire frontman Coaster Short (I think he's the one on the left) makes clear that they plan on having a tuba somewhere in the mix. They already have 10,000 friends on their MySpace page if that's any indication of how good their music is going to be. Also, on the MySpace page are links to mp3's by the likes of The Fall and Mission to Burma because the members of WOF envision their sound as similar to both these bands. Finally, Coaster Short makes clear he is sick of the music industry's obsession with band's making music. Wolves on Fire are a band that doesn't play music and if record labels can't deal with that they have no problem dropping the music element of their band altogether.