A Room of One's Own (For the Men Too)

Greetings residents of Blogopolis (now named one of the top ten places to raise a family by Midwest living), tis' I, Sir Donald. I hope that you are all enjoying the rise of mercury levels in the thermometers and in the albacore tuna harvests. I have been spending my days away from the heat and inside my Sudoku lair, if you haven't built one than I suggest you indulge. It is quite simple to construct your own. Any sort of seating device will do, (e.g. recliner, stool, those hand chairs.) I myself have fashioned a stool that doubles as a saddle that I took from my trusty horse Mortimer. I have included a picture of fair Mortimer, enjoy. I snapped this picture before our race across the windswept dunes of southern Algeria against that bastard of a horse Hidalgo. Anywho, back to the Sudoku lair, ambience is key to any sort of solitary quarters, and I like to dust the phonograph off and take some Allen Ginsberg beat recordings for a spin. Nothing says number puzzles quite like Ginsberg's "Howl". In addition to some audio I always like adding some pictures for visual stimulant. Something to look at when you're stuck on a Level 2 Sudoku puzzle. I know some people that have pictures of friends and family in their lair, or a self-portrait of them fighting a bear, but I have opted for a single picture of President Lyndon Baines Johnson defecating into a toilet in the bathroom of the oval office. He used to leave the door open and hold meetings while he was on "The Throne" to intimidate his cabinet. That puts meet at relative ease. These are merely suggestions for your puzzle palace, and feel free to get creative with your Sudoku room, remember, number puzzles were not meant to be shared, it is a very private act.
PM

Immigration officials warn of panda threat

U.S. Border Officials have seen a marked increase in illegal panda crossings into the United States in recent months. A general sense of alarm pervades the hot-button issue. Over the weekend, sixteen pandas were found dehydrated and disoriented in the Arizona desert. Officials warn of the dire economic threat a large scale panda migration poses to the economy. Carl Trent of Galveston, Texas has seen his once picturesque trees decimated by what he calls "those savage excuses for bears". Trent went on to explain he has nothing against the pandas who come here legally and live at the San Diego and Bronx Zoo but he worries that America does not have enough bamboo to support these undocumented arrivals. Locals in the states most affected by the influx of panda bears complain of the lazy, uneducated pandas taking the slots at our nation's zoos once designated for American animals, bears in particular. However, Dr. Sunday Feathers, a Macarthur Fellow at Harvard University, sees the panda issue as a sign of the changing face of American zoos. "During the Golden Age of American zoos, American species like the turkey and squirrel were featured prominently but times change and pandas are as much a part of our American identity as the golden retriever". This point was driven home as thousands of pandas protested outside the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago, Illinois, carrying sings and banners. Panda representative Kiki Chu uttered this incendiary proclamation: "We're here, we're black and white and love bamboo, and we're proud of it".
MC

Sir Donald answers some reader mail

Sir Donald Gorman esq. dishes out relationship advice with his unique brand of rage and insecurity.

"Recently my wife has been nagging me about not putting down the toilet seat after I use the little boys room. Should I begin to panic?"-Chris from the upper Midwest

Sir Donald: Chris, let's take a historical approach to answering your query. Rome under Nero's reign had completely separate bathrooms for the husband and wife to in effect circumvent this common domestic complaint. This even extended to the peasants and the Praetorian Guard. The historian Edward Gibbon focuses on this as the root for the future Barbarian invasions because the nuclear family was fundamentally fractured. I hope that answers your question. Keep reading C-Man.

"My wife is fixated on waterfalls. Any advice?"- Horace from around Boise

Sir Donald: A waterfall is a great investment for a young couple. I know of a contractor who does great waterfall work at a reasonable price. Private message me and I'll give you his contact information. I personally recommend the suspended Brazilian kind but a waterfall is definitely an individual choice. Good luck and check back soon where we will be profiling some delectable waterfalls in the near future.

"Is it true that men are from Mars?"- Worried Wanda

Sir Donald: Hahahaha. Yes. While NASA continues to perpetuate the oppressive patriarchal hegemonic agenda, emerging evidence suggests that a small percentage of men are indeed from the Red Planet. If your special male friend experiences dysentery after traveling under highway overpasses and never misses reruns of JAG, seek appropriate medical attention immediately.

"Stone Phillips won't leave my wife and I alone? Should I turn to vigilante justice."-Confused Carlos

Sir Donald: Call the authorities immediately. I have seen too many marriages ripped asunder by that calming, confident voice and soul-shattering gaze.

Please continue to send your questions. Until then, whenever you see feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable, know that Sir. Donald Gorman esq. is sipping on a cocktail in his basement, watching a Nora Ephron movie, pensively rubbing his chin, analyzing all your problems.

Preview of new Fall network lineup (spoiler alert)

I recently had the privilege of getting a sneak peak at the upcoming Fall network television lineup and just when you think American television can't get any better, those zany network executives that brought you "According to Jim" and all those Ted Danson ornery sitcoms up the ante with cutting edge and challenging programming.

This Fall:

1) What happens when you place a Midwestern housewife in a Jihadi training camp located on the porous border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, "Allah Annie," a lighthearted take on global terror. See as Annie K. learns the intricacies of fundamental Islam while teaching her mujhadeen the finer points of interior design and accessorizing. From the producers of "Becker".

2) Do you remember that guy who was on that show that got canceled? Well, that guy is on a new show. I know, I don't know if I necessarily like that guy either but he's back this fall, up to his old hijinks. See what ridiculous comedic situations that guy gets himself into. This guy really needs this show to do well so please watch. He just went through a messy divorce and he somehow has to pay taxes on an island in the Caribbean he just bought so this is really important.

3) Watch Jim Belushi as he eats beef products in a nondescript room for a half an hour every Wednesday night. The second half of the season takes a riveting turn as Mr. Belushi displays the fortitude and comedic timing that made him a star as he manages to continue eating Italian beef, sausage, etc. after undergoing a quadruple bypass. Also, look for the indie rock soundtrack in stores this fall, featuring a special acoustic performance of Coldplay's "The Scientist."

4) Ever wonder what legendary gameshow host Alex Trebeck's life is like when the lights go out? No, nevermind then.

5) This fall on "Desperate Housewives", in an unexpected plot twist, the Supreme Court will cite eminent domain as grounds for demolishing the houses on Mysteria Lane to pave the way for a new Walmart. Watch as the small, slutty one becomes a Walmart greeter. Will her lecherous, sexually aggressive boss finally get his comeuppance? Not to give anything away but women will be empowered everywhere and yes, she sleeps with him.

The Medium is the Message or why yuppies can't find fire exits

An Inaugural Conversation

Hey, how you doing? Yeah, just graduated. Have you put on weight, you look especially jowly?Right now I'm trying to find Monster openings for bushy eyebrowed horse whisperers. It's kind of an esoteric field. Yeah, I know. That bastard Redford did whore it out--went commercial. Sure, I'll stop touching you as soon as you tell me what the capital of Belarus is. Damn, Minsk is correct. So we started this blog on the internet to teach the world a little bit about love and whole lot about the triangle offense, you should check it out.

A terrible epidemic is sweeping America's vital urban clubs and restaurants. No, it's not that adorable bird flu. It's the more insidious malady of bad grammar and brazen misspelling. These restaurants are doing a terrible disservice to that marginalized and particularly vulnerable segment of American society: yuppies. Let me say right out in the open: misspelling words is not hip nor is it edgy. A club like "tru" undermines our educational system and sets a terrible example to those impressionable, fluorescent- baton-wielding club patrons. Really, is adding that "e" to "tru" conforming to the Man. Would you go to a bank or a doctor's office that deliberately misspelled their titles? I know I'm not opening an account anytime soon at "ban*K of AMERIKA@!!+" nor would I let a doctor touch that has an exploding umlaut above a vowel in his name. These clubs must resist the urge to nonconform. Instead of "fyre," spell the club correctly because, in my mind, "Fire" as a club name still connotes unbridled lust, which everybody club is going for. Don't discriminate against vowels. They are not Puritan devices meant to inhibit a good time. There is a small cabal of uneducated clubowners who are trying to destroy Western civilization as we know it. Let's take back our trendy clubs and restaurants that perhaps are--just maybe--our most precious natural resources.

MC